I know when people are not fond of my company or when people are bored of me. It shows. There's a saying, "actions speak louder than words." I am who I am, I cannot change who I am, but what I can do is to improve on it. I never like awkward silences during conversations or awkward actions when I do something. It really really really annoys me. How can I improve myself if the people around me don't even bother listening?
I know I have to keep an open mind on things, but I act like I'm a mirror. I reflect the actions, feelings and thoughts back to the person I am with. If you talk to me, I'll respond to you. If you want to get to know me, I'll try to get to know you. If you feel awkward around me, I'll feel the awkwardness and return it to you. Hell, if you don't talk to me, I won't talk to you. If you think like I'm not interesting, then why bother talk to you if you won't even make the effort to conquer that impression of me. I'm not that kind of person that wastes time on something that I know would have little or no results.
I already felt this way before. I have things to connect with,but each connection are just bits and pieces. There are no perfect fits. I would say that I have things that connect with people, but they are mixed. I would compare myself to a sampler appetizer. I have different tastes that appeals the tastebuds, but not enough to satisfy the hunger. Everybody talks about the main course, but hardly the appetizer.
I don't like being noticed, especially when the thing I am being noticed about is something that's not fully me, something that doesn't define my whole identity. I do not have a specific thing, like being the jock, or the clown or the cool guy, or even the annoying guy, that people immediately identifies me with. I am that kind of guy that can fit in with anybody, but not fully, trully fit in. It takes time to get to know each complex side of me, and people nowadays do not have that much time.
Yeah, I know for a fact that I am awkward and shy when people and I meet for the first time. I have a knack for opening up to those who actually takes the time and make the effort to talk to me. If you are reading this right now and just suddenly change your mind about me and actually start to make the effort to get to know me, I would most likely be not inclined to open up to you because it's not natural. I would feel that you are pitying me and you're just acting this way because of this post. Your actions towards me are going to be fake and unnatural and most likely awkward...and like I said a while ago, I am like a mirror and I would reflect that back to you.I will notice if your actions towards me changes, and if it does, I will say to myself "I should not have written that post...maybe I should just cut myself and bleed it out..." (just kidding ^^", I ain't emo and that's someone I would never turn to)...Point is- I wouldn't want you to change
I might be overthinking this situation, but it is hard for me to ignore the facts that are right in front of me. I had this fear before already, but I cannot believe I am actually living it. I'm not writing this so I can get pity, recognition, fame or attention. One reason is to share my mind to those who are actually interested in reading other people's thoughts. I cannot fully express what I think so things come out of me really stupidly and awkwardly face to face. Through writing, I can pause and gather my thoughts and actually express what I want to say. It is one of my huge flaws as a person that I am trying to improve on. Reacting negatively or passively to it won't help me at all. Maybe my voice is not easily heard, or my presence is not easily felt, so I apologize for that. I try to just be chill bout things, but I wouldn't think that it would be to the extreme.
If you feel that I am talking about you, whoever is reading this post right now *points at reader from the screen*, then you're probably the one that is making me rant right now lol... Well I forgot what I was thinking of saying now...sooo I might continue this rant soon...depends
